Tag Archives: family

Fictive Family

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The family that Jesus calls together goes beyond blood or marriage.  His family is a fictive family — a family called together by something else, something deeper.

That something is a someone — Jesus.  And the glue that holds his fictive family together is his mission.

 

 

Fictive Family

Fictive family is a phrase used by researchers to label a kinship group or a community that is brought together not by DNA or marriage  Instead, these communities are formed on some other basis.

There are numerous examples of this but perhaps the most popular one is the military.  The television series Band of Brothers captured this idea well.  A diverse group of young men, who weren’t related in any traditional sense, developed a deep sense of connectedness which caused them to sacrifice for one another, even to the point of death.  What brought them together initially was patriotism or the draft (or both) but what enabled them to move from men in proximity to a fictive family was their mutual suffering and their mission.

They each went through the rigors of boot camp and training.  They had horror stories of drill sergeants putting them through the ringer.  Then they had hours and hours of sometimes boring specific assignment training.  And when they were together on the field, they faced danger, hunger, and loneliness.

But sharing in suffering doesn’t automatically create a fictive family.  But when you pair shared suffering with an exciting, risky, and real mission, that’s when you get the first inklings of fictive family!

The soldiers begin to learn that not only do they have the same sob stories as their brothers in arms, but they also have each other’s backs.  They begin to see for themselves power and beauty of fictive family when they are literally at death’s door together.

This kind of closeness, this fictive family, is somewhat rare.  Why is that?  Why aren’t we humans more inclined toward being fictive family?

I could probably list a hundred or more reasons, but here are the first few that come to mind: we’re scared to be open and vulnerable, we think we will look or become soft, we’d rather not share the glory and fame, and we’re just plain ol’ selfish.

I mean, really, who wants to give of themselves until it hurts?

 

Fictive Family Glue

As followers of Jesus we commonly use familial language, calling each other brothers and sisters and claiming that we’re all part of the family of God.

But we all know that we’re often just parroting empty language that was parroted to us.  We don’t always treat one another with real affection.  We don’t always create interdependent relationships that fictive families have.  And we don’t always sacrifice for one another the way we might for family.

Why not?  Why aren’t we more like family?  Why are we more akin to acquaintances within in the church?

Here’s my belief: It’s because we aren’t on mission together, we don’t operate under the same purpose.

It seems to me that we Christians, especially those of us who consider ourselves Evangelicals, have made it incredibly difficult to live within fictive family well.  For years (centuries really) we have focused so intently on individual faith and Jesus as a personal savior that we’ve made community, i.e., fictive family, a luxury and not something that is expected.

Christian community is not optional!  It is absolutely necessary in order for us to follow Jesus actively in the real world!

But how do we do it?  How do we begin to form fictive family as followers of Jesus?

Here’s what has worked in my own life — I got on mission with some other followers of Jesus.  The fictive family formed quickly!  Being on mission together gave life and meaning to our worship together, our service of one another, our prayers for one another, and our reading of Scripture together.

 

Fictive Family on Mission

The real question this is this: What is this mission and how do we get on it?

Mission is from a Latin word (missio) which means “send.”  Therefore a mission is something we are sent to do.  It’s active and it comes from God.  Our mission isn’t something that we think up or that we lean on others to find for us.  It’s revealed from God.

And the basic missio Dei, mission of God, in the Bible is simple — God wants to reconcile all things to himself through Christ Jesus (2 Cor 5.19-20).

And it is this one idea, reconciliation, through which we should filter all of our potential thoughts about mission.

So our thinking should go like this: Do the activities we engage in as a fictive family, as a Christian community, promote reconciliation (the mending of broken people, relationships, and things)?  If so, then we should prayerfully pursue them in the power of the Spirit.  If not, then we should avoid them like the plague because all they’ll do is distract us from God’s one mission in this world, to reconcile all things.

 

Friends, real connection is formed between followers of Jesus when we are on mission together, when we are engaging in God’s reconciling work together.

And being on mission like this will form us into loving, vibrant, and attractive fictive families in which we love God, love one another, and love others.

 

What do you think?  What do you think holds Christian community together?  Is it mission or is it something else?  Let me know in the comments below!

Gratitude 2014

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Today is Thanksgiving which, naturally enough, helps me remember to show gratitude, to be thankful.

So, what do I want to show gratitude for this year?

Gratitude 2014

I’d like to show gratitude for…

  • …the best spouse I could have ever asked for.  I seriously don’t deserve my wife!  She has literally helped me become a better person.  Literally.
  • …the transformative power of Jesus to change lives, starting with mine.  I’ve had a front-row seat this year as Jesus has flipped my life over and the lives of some people close to me as well.
  • …my families, both my given one and my chosen one.  The level of support that my wife and I have experienced from our parents, siblings, and extended relatives has been indescribable.  And our fictive family, our chosen set of friends, have blessed us beyond belief as well.  It’s been incredibly humbling!
  • …my cousin Wendy, her parents Christy and Wade, and her kids.  As our lives are beginning to dovetail with theirs due to our adoption scenario, we couldn’t be happier at the possibilities for grace and beauty that will flow both ways.  God is good.
  • …how welcoming our neighborhood has been.  We moved to a new neighborhood this March and it’s been great!  We’ve enjoyed sharing Alida’s baking, cooking out, and enjoying hours of enlightening conversation.
  • …Lake Avenue Church, our local church home.  We’ve been inspired there, served there, worked there, made and found community there, and have been given opportunities to lead there.  Gratitude doesn’t begin to express our feelings about our spiritual family!
  • …health and comfort.  My wife and I have a great life.  We’re blessed.  But we know that being blessed comes with a responsibility to be a blessing in the lives of others, especially those who don’t have health and comfort.  May we be moved to demonstrated and speak the love of Jesus where Jesus has placed us, where we work, live, and play.
  • …people in my life who are very different than my wife and I.  We’ve been stretched by the diversity and it hasn’t always been fun or easy.  But I know without a shadow of a doubt that we’ve grown.

What in your life causes you to feel gratitude?

Express it in the comments below!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

5 Ways to Hurt Relationships

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This blog post is going to be revealing.  I’m going to try my best to be vulnerable and authentic.  My plan is to share 5 ways that relationships can be hurt.

And how can I be sure that these 5 ways to hurt relationships are actually for real?  Well, because I’ve been guilty of them all at one time or another!

Here we go…

relationships

Doh! We’re so good at hurting people in relationships!
By: Andrew McCluskey

5 Ways to Hurt Relationships

  1. Make Assumptions — Assumptions hurt relationships just about more than anything else.  Part of the reason why is because they are so simple to make.  They take almost no effort whatsoever.  It may just be me (but, dang, I hope not!), but it’s almost as if the human default mode is set to “assume everyone is out to get you.”  When we behave this way within relationships, whether in marriages and friendships or at work and within families, we are guaranteed to hurt people we care about and with whom we need continued contact.  Why?  Because the assumptions we make tend to be really harmful, such as the assumption that someone is lying, trying to hurt us on purpose, ignorant, or stupid.
  2. Jump to Conclusions — A high school football coach of mine once said that the most athletic thing that local sports reporters d0 is to jump to conclusions.  Well, if that’s true, then I should be the Olympic representative for the USA in the category of jumping to conclusions!  The way that it usually works for me (and for others too, I’m hoping) is that I make an assumption. Then I follow the logic of the assumption to the end and get angry about the resulting imaginary conclusion.  Here’s an example: If someone is late to a meeting that we both agreed to attend, I often jump to the conclusion that they are intentionally being disrespectful.  I don’t allow for the fact that I live in LA County, an area know for traffic problems.  And even though I hurt relationships by jumping to conclusions, I certainly don’t like it when people do it to me!
  3. Fail to Apologize — Relationships that were once close but that are now broken for whatever reason, are like a cut powerline.  No longer can the powerline serve its function of delivering electricity where it’s needed and now both of the ends that were once together are dangerous.  Our relationships are not just about the specific people in them.  They are also about all the people connected to the parties within the relationships.  And when we are failing to apologize to one another we are depriving the rest of our relationships our best selves.  Furthermore, when we fail to apologize our emotions are raw and we’re often a danger for other people in our lives too.  It’s time we started apologizing when we’ve wronged someone, owning up to our part in the drama and taking responsibility to move forward in healthy ways.
  4. Fail to Forgive –Not only is apologizing important, but forgiving whomever hurt us is important too.  Relationships in which one person is trying to make things right while the other is trying to stand on the moral high ground by withholding forgiveness are set up for lots and lots of trouble.  In relationships that have lasted for a while, there is no moral high ground.  Since everyone within relationships is a person, then everyone has made mistakes.  No one is perfect, meaning that there’s no room to set on the high throne of judgment.  That a position that is reserved for God alone.  Our job within relationships is to accept apologies and offer forgiveness.  Not only is withholding forgiveness bad for the relationship, it’s bad for us too!  It can create bitterness and bitterness can ruin our lives little by little over time.
  5. Argue While Angry — All human relationships are going to including arguments.  We’re all people and we all have opinions and those opinions do not always line up just so.  And all relationships will also have to cope with anger from time to time.  Anger is a typical human emotion.  We don’t always seem to have control over when it comes or even why it comes.  But anger in and of itself is not bad or inherently sinful.  It’s what we do when we’re angry that matters.  Here’s how the Bible puts it in Ephesians 4.26: “In your anger do not sin.”  And I would probably add to this that arguing while angry is almost never a good idea.  Trust me.  You’ll say and do things that you will regret; things that can’t be forgotten or taken back.  It would be better to attempt to calm down before having a discussion regarding a disagreement.

Now on this blog I tend to write about missional stuff.  So how is any of this missional?  Well, since seeking the mission of God in our world is best undertaken with others and not alone, then we’re going to have to figure out how to hurt one another less.  And since the only real way to share Jesus with others is through relationships, we’re going to have to figure out paths toward healthy connections with other people.

Avoiding these five things is a good start.

 

What else should be on this list?  Let me know in the comments below!