Category Archives: Relationships

Marriage, friendship, etc. can help us follow Jesus better.

Ultrasound of Our Future

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Ultrasound

An ultrasound machine like this one granted us our first look at a face that will forever change our lives.

 

Ultrasound of Our Baby

My wife and I have been having a lot of life-changing days lately.  This is due to the fact that we’re in the process of adopting.  You can read some about it at this link, this link, or this one.

Yesterday was another one of those days — I was blessed with the opportunity of going to our birthmother’s ultrasound appointment.  It was a complete trip!  I was so excited to see the face of our child for the first time, thanks to the ultrasound machine and technicians; all while getting to have a wonderful conversation with the child of Wendy, our birthmother (who is also my cousin and her daughter will be our child’s cousin and biological sister).

While the whole scenario was certainly surreal, like much of this process has been, the reality of the situation began to sink in more and more fully.  I was looking at pictures of our child on the ultrasound monitor after all — his or her feet, hands, legs, heart, organs, brain, eyes, arms, face…

It was beyond belief!

Want to see the star of the show?  Here you go!

ultrasound

1.2.840.113663.1500.1.374244462.3.55.20141117.143326.406.d86ae41b23b.0000000000 1.2.840.113663.1500.1.374244462.3.56.20141117.143330.656.d86ae41b23b.0000000000

 

You may be able to see that our baby is resting on his or her hand.  I don’t know why but this little detail of the ultrasound photo really stands out to me, but it does.  I guess it humanizes the photo some.  I mean, I do that — I rest on my hand!  And here’s our baby doing the same thing!

I wish I had words to encapsulate how I felt in that moment…but all my words are inadequate.  I’ll try anyway: I was excited, nervous, happy, scared, hopeful, anxious, and joyous.  Ultimately I would say that in that moment I felt blessed: blessed to be there, blessed to have this opportunity to live out the life of Jesus within my own family, and blessed to be entrusted with this little life which is being knit together in Wendy’s womb and in our hearts.

Ultrasound of Our Future

But the other side of the blessing coin is being a blessing.  There’s a biblical principle, found in the covenant with Abraham in Genesis to the teachings of Jesus in the Gospels, that those who are blessed by God, in whatever capacity, are expected to be a blessing to others.  To hoard the blessing of God is nothing short of utter selfishness and is ultimately sinful.

Thus, when looking into the monitor at the face of our baby, I could not help but begin to imagine all that is going to unfold over the next months and years.

It’s not often that we have the opportunity to see a face that will forever change our lives.  I don’t remember first time seeing the faces of my parents and sister, but those faces certainly count.  And in 1998 I first saw the face of my wife, Alida, and my life’s never been the same.

Seeing our baby’s face for the first time yesterday was another one of those moments.

All our prayers, all our decisions, and all our conversations for the rest of our lives will be different because of the face looking back at us in these ultrasound pictures.

And we, my wife and I, have been blessed with this opportunity.  It’s our job to steward, or to care for, this blessing well, while always being prepared to share it with others.  It’s our God-given mandate to share the blessing that we are receiving in this moment.

I haven’t the slightest idea of what that will look like.  But I know this for sure: this child isn’t just ours.  He or she belongs to God and God will do with him or her whatever he sees fit.

It’s our job to be a blessing to this child and to be ready to share him or her with the world.

 

If you’d like to support my wife and I during this process, that would be great!  Please pray that everything continues to go smoothly and that all the little details that need ironing out will get ironed out.  For more ways to support us, click here.  Thanks!

5 Ways to Hurt Relationships

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This blog post is going to be revealing.  I’m going to try my best to be vulnerable and authentic.  My plan is to share 5 ways that relationships can be hurt.

And how can I be sure that these 5 ways to hurt relationships are actually for real?  Well, because I’ve been guilty of them all at one time or another!

Here we go…

relationships

Doh! We’re so good at hurting people in relationships!
By: Andrew McCluskey

5 Ways to Hurt Relationships

  1. Make Assumptions — Assumptions hurt relationships just about more than anything else.  Part of the reason why is because they are so simple to make.  They take almost no effort whatsoever.  It may just be me (but, dang, I hope not!), but it’s almost as if the human default mode is set to “assume everyone is out to get you.”  When we behave this way within relationships, whether in marriages and friendships or at work and within families, we are guaranteed to hurt people we care about and with whom we need continued contact.  Why?  Because the assumptions we make tend to be really harmful, such as the assumption that someone is lying, trying to hurt us on purpose, ignorant, or stupid.
  2. Jump to Conclusions — A high school football coach of mine once said that the most athletic thing that local sports reporters d0 is to jump to conclusions.  Well, if that’s true, then I should be the Olympic representative for the USA in the category of jumping to conclusions!  The way that it usually works for me (and for others too, I’m hoping) is that I make an assumption. Then I follow the logic of the assumption to the end and get angry about the resulting imaginary conclusion.  Here’s an example: If someone is late to a meeting that we both agreed to attend, I often jump to the conclusion that they are intentionally being disrespectful.  I don’t allow for the fact that I live in LA County, an area know for traffic problems.  And even though I hurt relationships by jumping to conclusions, I certainly don’t like it when people do it to me!
  3. Fail to Apologize — Relationships that were once close but that are now broken for whatever reason, are like a cut powerline.  No longer can the powerline serve its function of delivering electricity where it’s needed and now both of the ends that were once together are dangerous.  Our relationships are not just about the specific people in them.  They are also about all the people connected to the parties within the relationships.  And when we are failing to apologize to one another we are depriving the rest of our relationships our best selves.  Furthermore, when we fail to apologize our emotions are raw and we’re often a danger for other people in our lives too.  It’s time we started apologizing when we’ve wronged someone, owning up to our part in the drama and taking responsibility to move forward in healthy ways.
  4. Fail to Forgive –Not only is apologizing important, but forgiving whomever hurt us is important too.  Relationships in which one person is trying to make things right while the other is trying to stand on the moral high ground by withholding forgiveness are set up for lots and lots of trouble.  In relationships that have lasted for a while, there is no moral high ground.  Since everyone within relationships is a person, then everyone has made mistakes.  No one is perfect, meaning that there’s no room to set on the high throne of judgment.  That a position that is reserved for God alone.  Our job within relationships is to accept apologies and offer forgiveness.  Not only is withholding forgiveness bad for the relationship, it’s bad for us too!  It can create bitterness and bitterness can ruin our lives little by little over time.
  5. Argue While Angry — All human relationships are going to including arguments.  We’re all people and we all have opinions and those opinions do not always line up just so.  And all relationships will also have to cope with anger from time to time.  Anger is a typical human emotion.  We don’t always seem to have control over when it comes or even why it comes.  But anger in and of itself is not bad or inherently sinful.  It’s what we do when we’re angry that matters.  Here’s how the Bible puts it in Ephesians 4.26: “In your anger do not sin.”  And I would probably add to this that arguing while angry is almost never a good idea.  Trust me.  You’ll say and do things that you will regret; things that can’t be forgotten or taken back.  It would be better to attempt to calm down before having a discussion regarding a disagreement.

Now on this blog I tend to write about missional stuff.  So how is any of this missional?  Well, since seeking the mission of God in our world is best undertaken with others and not alone, then we’re going to have to figure out how to hurt one another less.  And since the only real way to share Jesus with others is through relationships, we’re going to have to figure out paths toward healthy connections with other people.

Avoiding these five things is a good start.

 

What else should be on this list?  Let me know in the comments below!

The Baby’s Heartbeat

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My wife and I are adopting.

Even though I have said and written those words many times, they still hit me in a surreal manner.  I instinctively think something like this: We’re not really adopting; this must just be a dream or something.

But it’s real!  In fact, yesterday it just got very, very real.

We heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

 

Heartbeat

A sample fetal heart rate monitor

The Baby’s Heartbeat

Wendy, my cousin and our birthmother, had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and we went with her.  The doctor and her assistant helped Wendy get into position and placed the listening end of a fetal heart rate monitor on her stomach.

And then we heard a series of sounds that brought this whole adoption thing out of the realm of “no way” right into the realm of “yup, it’s real.”

After listening for a little while the doctor told the assistant that the heart rate was 145 beats per minute.  But I wonder what the heart rates of my wife and I were?  I know that my heart was racing at a pace that felt like a million beats per minute!

That tiny baby’s heartbeat, which is in the normal range by the way (I Googled it!), represents a lifetime of stories, heartbreaks, love, and excitement.

That tiny heartbeat will change our lives forever.

 

Jesus’ Heartbeat

This whole experience kind of reminds me of when I first heard the heartbeat of Jesus.

Sadly, I lived for more than 20 years as a follower of Jesus before I really heard this heartbeat myself.

Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes I would hear a faint sound that might have been Jesus’ heartbeat.  I certainly heard other people talk about experiencing his heartbeat firsthand.

But I hadn’t, at least not consistently.

But a few years ago I pulled my head out of my academic books (where it had been buried for 7 years at the time) and came up for air.  I realized that while I was on my self-imposed academic exile, an entire movement within the Church had taken on full form.

That movement is called the missional movement.  (Here’s a post where I talk about this process in more detail.)

That word, missional, has definitely hit buzzword status and, as such, it needs a bit of explaining.  So, here goes: “missional” means to be on mission with Jesus.  As Hugh Halter puts it in his book entitled Flesh: Bringing the Incarnation down to Earth — being missional means being disciples that live the human life of Jesus in our human lives.

So, if we see Jesus doing something, then we should be doing it too.  If we see him telling his disciples to do these sorts of things and not those sorts of things, then we should obey.  If we see Jesus caring for people, whoever they may be, then we should follow suit.

Here’s a way I like to think about it — being missional means letting Jesus’ heartbeat beat in our hearts.

And what is Jesus’ heartbeat?

I think we see it primarily in two places.  And each of these two places is of utmost importance and both should be pursued by followers of Jesus with all of our gumption.

The first is found in Luke 4.16-21:

He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. He stood up to read, and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:

 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
    to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him. He began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

Here we see Jesus’ heartbeat in this way: his heart beats for the downtrodden, for the oppressed, and for the forgotten.  When our hearts start to mimic Jesus’ heartbeat, then we’ll start caring for the poor, those who are imprisoned, those who are differently abled, and those who are oppressed.

The second is found in Matthew 28.18-20:

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Here we find the other side of Jesus’ heartbeat — his desire that his followers would help others follow him too.  And who are his followers supposed to help become disciples?  Everyone, all the nations.

And what are they to do with them when they start following Jesus?  They are to baptize them (making them part of the church family) and they are to teach them to obey Jesus (mentoring them to live the human life of Jesus in their lives).

Traditionally different sorts of Christians have focused on one aspect of Jesus’ heartbeat or the other.  Friends, this is simply a cop out.  We must focus on both.  All of us.  Each one of us.  Together.

We must be all about justice and we much be all about making disciples.

And hearing the heartbeat of Jesus can change our lives, even more so than hearing the heartbeat a baby.

When you think of the heartbeat of Jesus, what do you think of and why?  Let me know in the comments below!

If you would like to know how you can support my wife any I in this crazy process of adoption, click on the following link or copy and paste it into your browser: https://www.continuetogive.com/mattandalida.

To read some more of our adoption story, CLICK HERE.

Thanks!

Adoption

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Years and years ago my then-girlfriend, Alida, told me about her passion for adoption.  Little did I know that more than a decade later me and that same woman would be pursuing the adoption of a child together!

 

Adoption: Our Story

It only took a small amount of time for me, as Alida’s boyfriend, to catch the adoption bug too.  Over the years that followed we periodically dreamed together about what adopting a child could look like.

Then, through a series of God-ordained events, we ended up in the Los Angeles area and began to become more and more affected by the realities of poverty and injustice within America’s inner-cities.  That’s when our adoption attention turned from international settings to domestic ones.  This  was a huge change for us.

So, due to this new focus and passion toward domestic adoption, Alida and I began researching options.  We discovered and then agreed to pursue the foster-care-to-adoption route.  Basically we would become a certified foster-care home and receive foster-child placements.  As a foster-care-to-adoption family our hope would be to foster children that we may one day adopt.

Alida and I found a agency to go through and started the process in mid-September of 2014.  We told our parents, siblings, and close friends that this process was beginning and they all started praying for us.

My dad told many people, including his sister Ellen, about what we were doing so that they could pray for us.  Unbeknownst to us, Ellen’s granddaughter (my first cousin, once removed) Wendy was pregnant and had just found out that very week.  She and her family decided that it would be in the best interest of the child to give it up for adoption.  They held out hope that it could be adopted within the family.

And it could!

Ellen told Wendy about us, Wendy’s mom asked us if we wanted to adopt Wendy’s child, and we asked for a few days to think it through.  Over the next two days we prayed, researched, prayed, cried, prayed, talked, prayed, didn’t sleep, and prayed some more.  After a long process we determined that this adoption was for us!

We believed, and still believe, that this adoption is what God would have for us to do at this time in our lives.  In fact, for us and in this specific case, we realized that all our reasons to say “no” were fearful, selfish, and not centered on the good news of Jesus and his kingdom.  Those were not the sorts of things that typically influenced our other decisions in life, so we felt that it was clear that saying “yes” was the right course of action.

And we did!

This January we’ll be the proud parents of a newborn!

Adoption

By: gabi menashe
Note: These feet are from a Flickr photo and not the feet of our child!

 

Adoption: The Reality

During our decision-making process we realized that we were not prepared for the financial differences between a foster-care-to-adoption process and a private, independent, interstate adoption.

In short, we quickly realized that attorney fees, social worker fees, state and federal fees, etc. were going to pile up.

Add to this the fact that our friends and family have very helpfully inundated us with offers of help.

In response we wanted to provide a way for people who so desired to help us and partner with us in the process.  In order to do so, we created a fundraising page.  So if you would like to offer us help in this way, simply go to the following link or copy and paste it into your browser: https://www.continuetogive.com/mattandalida .

Even more importantly, we covet your prayers and support during this time.  Please pray that this process would go smoothly and please pray for us, Wendy, and the baby.

 

Thank you for reading this!  Feel free to leave a comment or two for Alida and me below!  🙂

Death, Regret, and Change

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Death

Dragonflies1113 / Pixabay
Death can cause us to take stock, to look back, and, hopefully, to change for the better.

Death Brings Pain

When someone dies, for whatever reason, it always causes pain in those who were close to the deceased.  The amount, duration, and intensity of that pain depends on a myriad of factors, thus, each person will experience it differently.  I’ve had several different experiences to illustrate this.  When my paternal grandmother died it wasn’t a surprise; her life was slowly being sapped by cancer and dementia.  In fact, her death, though sad, was sort of like a relief since we all knew that she wasn’t in pain anymore.  But during my early 20s a friend’s wife died of a brain tumor.  Her death hit me hard since she was so young and since we all thought her cancer was in remission.  As a result of her death I spun out into a period of depression and serious doubt that lasted for months.

But one particular sort of death seems to bring with it unique pain.  Suicide.  When a friend takes his or her own life it raises up a bunch of different emotions — anger, frustration, sadness, grief, regret, and confusion.  It’s hard not to play the “What could I have done differently?” game with yourself.  In these situations I will start to feel guilty for letting our friendship lapse to some degree.  I’ll wonder if I could have reached out more, cared more, prayed more, loved more.  But intermixed with these regrets will be serious periods of anger over the selfishness of suicide.  And right around the corner from anger will be some more regret followed by a dose of nostalgia.

Coping with the suicide of a friend or loved one is hard; there’s just no other way to say it.

Death

derdento / Pixabay
After the sunset comes the sunrise; after someone’s death comes opportunities to grow.

Death Brings Opportunities for Growth

Thankfully, the death of someone close to you doesn’t get the final word.  Those who loved the deceased, however they died, suicide included, have the chance to learn from the experience.  In fact, in my life and experience some of the richest times of positive change in my life followed the death of a friend or relative.

After my paternal grandmother died I entered a time of grieving, albeit a relatively short one.  Soon after her death I began college and started understanding what life had for me.  My grandmother’s death helped me put things into proper perspective because during my first semester or two of college she was on my mind quite often.  I would wonder to myself things like this: “What would Grandma think?  Would she be proud of this or that decision?”  Her death really helped me live well.

After my friend’s spouse died I grieved a lot and for a long time.  I had never had my faith in God rocked as hard as her death rocked it.  But after a slow process of recovery, spearheaded by my amazing wife, I came through my grief and was able to minister to the youth to whom I was called better and more maturely.  I gained a greater love and respect for my wife and the others who helped me through this dark time.  And I’m still thankful to this day that I went through this long period of doubt (not my first or my last!) because it has helped me understand the faith journey of others much, much better.

But standing in the wake of  a suicide is different…or at least it seems different.  So I’ll share what I’d like to learn from it: how to be more authentically connected to my friends and family; how to cope with regrets that have no possible solutions; how to stay better connected to friends and family despite distance; and how to love someone no matter what choices they’ve made.

death

By: Chris Brown
Good bye friend.

God, grow us, guide us, and change us for the better through the deaths of those we love.  Remind us that it was through the death of Jesus that all of humanity was given hope.  Help us find hope in the now.  In Jesus’ name; amen.

Little Broken Promises

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I’d like to think that I’m a pretty good husband.  I do most of the big things right and I avoid almost all of the big things that I’m supposed to.  I spend time trying to speak my wife’s love language.  I love with abandon and invest like crazy.  I try to put her interests before my own (Philippians 2.3-4).  Usually, I’m pretty good at this whole husband thing.

Usually.

chefkeem / Pixabay

But I have a persistent problem, a easily-repeated blunder.  I make little promises and then don’t keep them.  Example: We finish dinner and I say, “I’ll do the dishes before I go to bed.”  Then, the next morning, the dishes are still in the sink (like they were this morning).  That’s a little broken promise.

Here’s a doozy from this week: Our dog, who is awesome by the way, is getting old and she needs to have checkups at the vet pretty regularly.  Three weeks ago I said that I would take care of it.  I finally did it…after weeks of saying I would!  The time between the little promise and completion was just full of me breaking that promise day after day.

You may be thinking something like this: Meh, this isn’t a big deal; it is a LITTLE broken promise.  It’s not like you broke your wedding vows or something.  And, you’d be right…objectively speaking.

But subjectively speaking we’re dealing with a different deal altogether.  Each time I break a little promise it erodes my credibility with my wife a little bit.  Rebuilding that trust invariably takes up WAY more time than it would have taken to just fulfill the promise.

And keeping little promises is a sign of respect.  When I actually keep one of these promises it says to Alida that she’s important enough for me to remember what I said and to actually do it.

Luckily for me I have a loving and forgiving spouse.  She gives me the time and space I need to figure things like this out.  But I shouldn’t take advantage of Alida’s patience about this.  I should be more intentional about keeping all my promises, whether big or small.

Here are some pieces of advice (mostly for me):

  1. Make fewer promises.  There’s no point in promising to do things as often as I do.  Maybe if I was more consistent in doing things in the first place I wouldn’t feel the need to make promises.
  2. Accept help if needed or wanted.    A common mistake that I make in these situations is not accepting help that is offered.  If I did, then I wouldn’t need to do whatever it was that I end up make a promise about (e.g., the dishes).  So, if I need help or would rather do something else, when my wife offers to help I should take her up on it.
  3. Keep track of promises made.  I’m not sure exactly how I could do this, practically speaking.  Maybe I could write my little promises down and put them in a prominent place (like on the screen of my laptop).  But an issue for me is that I simply forget.  So I need to facilitate some memory helpers.
  4. Apologize and start at #1 again.  I’m a human so I am going to mess this one up.  When I do I should give a real apology, fully owning my mistake and the pain it caused.  Then I should start back and #1.  Hopefully, over time, I’ll have to do #4 less and less.

Do you have a problem with keeping little promises too?  Let me know in the comments below.

Goal Setting in Marriage

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Anyone who knows me knows that I almost always rail against structure.  I like to be spontaneous, free, and, frankly, last-minute.  From my biased opinion of my experience, I’m convinced that I work best when these factors are present.  And, by and large, I’ve had some measure of success operating this way.

But the Lord saw fit to lead me to marry my wife Alida.  She’s a planner, a list-maker, and an organizer.  In fact, when she’s in planning mode, she’ll write on her master list which sub-lists she needs to make!  And she’s had a great deal of success living in this manner.

Put the two of us together…well you can imagine the sorts of difficulties we face!  Alida is hoping that we’ll plan and I’m pushing things to the deadline.  I’m hoping to explore random things at the last minute and Alida is thinking ahead to a weekend two months from now.

OpenClips / Pixabay

And for the longest time we just dealt with these tensions.  I’m not sure why exactly, but we never really addressed this issue…for years!  But once I entered into the dissertation phase of my PhD, my life needed to get much more structured.  I needed to research and write everyday, on top of my other responsibilities too.  In order for me to get through this thing in one piece I had to start organizing my life  a bit.  I needed a target to shoot at.

So at first I just tried to do things on my own.  I would watch Alida and try to mimic some of her planning behavior.  This worked kind of well.  But I needed the inside scoop.  My pride, however, prevented me from actually asking for help.  So I waited.

And eventually, after a while, Alida suggested that we do a weekly meeting so that she and I could be on the same page.  To be totally honest, my wife had offered this suggestion many times before, and I had poo-pooed it every single time.  Like I said earlier, Alida is just built this way but since she discovered Michael Hyatt’s podcast she’s been way more goal-focused.  Needless to say,  she was so excited when I finally gave in!

So, for the better part of a year Aldia and I have been having a weekly meeting.  We discuss our schedules for the upcoming week, our workout plans, when our date will be, and any special errands that need to be run.

There’s one more thing we do: we set weekly goals.  We divide these up into various categories, like “personal,” “work,” “spiritual,” and “relationship.”  Our hope is that we can help one another accomplish our goals and check in on our progress in the future.

Now I’d love to say that doing this has resulted in awe-inspiring results.  It hasn’t.  But it has produced positive results.  Here are a few of them:

Setting goals has helped us…

  • …be more intentional.  We both now know what it is that we’re trying to do so that each of us can focus better individually and as a couple.
  • …understand one another better.  By weekly hearing one another’s goals we get to enter into one another’s thought processes.  This has proven to be so valuable for our relationship!
  • …hold each other accountable.  People always say that it’s hard to hold your spouse accountable; and, for the most part, that is true.  But setting goals together gives each of us the freedom to check in on one another.
  • …know how to pray specifically for one another.  While part of our meeting also involves sharing our prayer needs with one another, knowing each other’s goals has helped us know how to pray for one another more holistically.

 

Is goal setting important to you?  How do you do it?

Thanksgiving Date

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werner22brigitte / Pixabay

The fall is the favorite time of year for my wife (Alida) and I.  The weather is nice, you can get pumpkin-flavored anything, and it’s the month that has Thanksgiving in it.  Oh, and I can’t forget about football!

On top of all of that, Alid and I got married in the fall: October 12, 2002.

In other words, we really love the fall!  And one of our fall traditions is our annual Thanksgiving Date.

Here’s what we do: Every year around Thanksgiving Alida and I have a special date.  We try to plan the date as close to Thanksgiving day itself as our schedules will allow.  Sometimes this means that we have this date the day before Thanksgiving and at other times we’ll do this several days early.

Either way, the purpose of this date is simple — we just want to let one another know how thankful we are for each other and our marriage.  So we take turns sharing something we are thankful for back and forth.

We do this twenty-five times.  It’s usually pretty fast and we can do it while eating a meal together.  But now and again one of the things we are thankful for needs a little discussion or is really funny!  Either way, all we want to do during this time is connect with one another and show real appreciation for each other.

This has got me thinking…how appreciative of Alida am I every single day?  Do I say “thank you” enough?  Do I intentionally go out of my way to show Alida how grateful I am for all that she does for me?  Am I consistent in expressing to Alida that simply by being her she has totally changed my life for the better?

Or do I try to stick all that gratitude into our annual Thanksgiving Date?

I know I’m not perfect.  But I do often make an effort to be grateful.  But could I do more?  Absolutely!

So, here’s the question: Do you let the people in your life who are important (e.g., spouse, kids, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.) know how much they mean to you?  When’s the last time you looked one of those people in the eye and said “Thank you for being you.”

Here are a few ideas to get started:

  1. Say “thank you” a lot, so much so that it feels like too much.  It would be way, way better to err on this side of things than the other.  Become known and the thank-you guy or woman!
  2. Plan a meeting/date/hangout during which your sole purpose is to show appreciation.  So have a meal with someone and prepare a few things to tell them you are thankful for.  Getting reciprocation is great but even if you don’t get anything back, it’s still worth it to invest in the life of someone else.
  3. Send some of the most important people in your life a handwritten, thank-you note through the mail.  No one gets real snail mail anymore!  Our mailboxes are just stuffed with junk mail, ads, and printed invites.  Your hand-written note will really bless the socks off whoever you send it too!
  4. Thank the people most important to you in public ways too.  A private thank you is paramount.  Nothing can replace that!  But there’s something special about showing appreciation for someone important to you in public (e.g., while speaking in front of a group, on Facebook or Twitter, or even just in conversation with someone else).  I distinctly remember many of the times when I was thanked publicly — each one made my day!

Can you think of some other ways to be thankful?  Let me know in the comments below.

Picnics and Mission Statements

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Almost seven months ago my wife, Alida, switched jobs.  She was a speech-language pathologist at an agency that was about a one-hour, one-way commute from our house.  Now she’s a speech-language pathologist at an agency four miles from our house!  This change has allowed us to spend more time together, both thanks to the time we get back because she’s in the car less and the opportunities to have random lunches together.

bodiantal / Pixabay

Today we had one of those random lunches.  We met at a park near her office and had salad and a dessert together, picnic style.  I was almost finished eating when I did something my mom taught me not to do — I was talking with my mouth full.  Some food feel from my mouth onto my plate.  Naturally enough, I scooped that partially-chewed food up with the next bite and ate it.

But the craziness of the scene made me giggle.  Alida asked what I was laughing about and I said, “If I don’t have to tell you, I’m not going to.”  “Is it that nasty piece of food that fell out of your mouth that you just re-ate?” Alida correctly guessed.  We both had a great laugh together!

I’m truly grateful for moments like these.  Without them, life wouldn’t be half as fun as it is!  And we had this silly moment because of the decision that we made together for Alida to switch to an agency closer to home.

Now I want to be honest, that decision was really hard…for a ton of reasons.  But one reason why it was really hard for us to make is that we didn’t have a stated mission as a couple.  I am to blame for this.  Why?  Because Alida has been wanting us to have a mission statement forever, pretty much since they day I asked her to marry me.  But I was reticent because I thought it was cheesy and a bit too corporate for my laid-back ways.

But as I was praying today, it struck me why she and I have had such a hard time making some decisions: we don’t have a stated mission as a couple.

So after we cracked up about how gross I am and talked about some other stuff, I admitted to Aldia that she had been right all along about mission statements.  She got this huge, ear-to-ear grin!  And right there at the same table where I had just re-eaten some food, we crafted our very first mission statement as a couple.

Here it is: To make the God’s love tangible in our world.

May God be honored by our intentionality and may he work through us to his glory!

Whether you’re in a couple or not, do you have a mission statement?  If so, want to share it in the comments?

Priorities in Relationships

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It’s sad to admit but several times in our marriage my wife, Alida, has had to remind me that my priorities are a bit skewed.  She always seems to find the right time and space to let me know this too.

First, she doesn’t wait until she’s so angry that she’s going to explode.  Instead, if she sees me veering of course for long enough, then she’ll speak up.  Things get a bit more complicated when my lopsided priorities impact her directly; but even in those situations she has always done a great job of loving me and showing me grace.

Second, when she has determined that it’s time to have the “come to Jesus” talk with me, she boldly says what’s on her mind.  She doesn’t beat around the bush and qualify her feelings with ten thousand sickly sweet statements.  She simply tells me how she’s feeling, what’s she’s seeing, and the impact she’s observing.  I am so grateful for this!  The last thing that I need to be left hanging in the wind!

Third, in virtually every single instance that Alida helps me get my priorities straight, she’s been sure to check back in with me in the future.  Usually the next day she’ll initiate a conversation with me in which she wants to make sure that I’m not hurt or confused.  Then, later on when old habits start being reestablished, she’ll lovingly remind me that I said I wanted my priorities to be different.  In fact, one of Alida’s mantras is “Don’t complain about something unless you have a plan for it to succeed.”  So, when she points out something in me that needs molding, she understands that as a call for her continued participation in my development.

And because of the example that Alida has set for me, I have learned how to do the same for her.  Full disclosure: I’m not nearly as good at this as she is!  I often wait too long, which means that I tend to be too angry, hurt, or annoyed to infuse a priorities conversation with grace and love.  Like Alida, I tend to get straight to the point but since I am naturally so confrontational this often comes across as being argumentative.  And I’m not nearly as good on follow through as Alida, though I am learning and growing in this area!  Needless to say, Alida has set the bar high for me!

But as I think about the times that she has brought my messed up priorities out into the light it’s always been for one reason: I’m selfish.  Now I know for a fact that I’m not the only selfish person out there!  My wife is selfish, my parents and sister are selfish, my pastor is selfish, Billy Graham is selfish, the pope is selfish, Mother Teresa was selfish, the Apostles were selfish, etc., etc.  Looking out for number one, unfortunately, is just part of the human predicament.

How does the problem of selfishness rear its ugly head in me?  Pretty straightforwardly: I get uber-focused on me and my stuff.  I talk about me and my stuff.  I invest my time and energy in me and my stuff.  I try to convince people of the value of me and my stuff.  I seek out input on me and my stuff.  I want validation for me and my stuff.  Me and my stuff.  Me and my stuff.  Me and my stuff.

Notice the problem?

When my selfishness is in full bloom, where is my concern for the interests of others (Philippians 2.3-4)?  Where is my self-sacrificial love (1 John 3.16)?  Where is my care for the poor, the needy, the oppressed, etc. (Isaiah 58.9-10)?  Where is my commitment to transformative community (Hebrews 10.24-25)?  Where is my love for God that requires all of who I am (Matthew 22.37)?  And where is my drive and desire to make disciples (Matthew 28.19-20)?

I must surround myself with people who can help me see when I slip further and further into selfishness!  I’m blessed that I live with one such person but I’ve had and now have many others in my life too.

Here’s a twofold challenge: 1) Find someone to help you see when your priorities get a bit out of whack; and 2) Be the same for someone else!