This blog post is going to be revealing. I’m going to try my best to be vulnerable and authentic. My plan is to share 5 ways that relationships can be hurt.
And how can I be sure that these 5 ways to hurt relationships are actually for real? Well, because I’ve been guilty of them all at one time or another!
Here we go…
5 Ways to Hurt Relationships
- Make Assumptions — Assumptions hurt relationships just about more than anything else. Part of the reason why is because they are so simple to make. They take almost no effort whatsoever. It may just be me (but, dang, I hope not!), but it’s almost as if the human default mode is set to “assume everyone is out to get you.” When we behave this way within relationships, whether in marriages and friendships or at work and within families, we are guaranteed to hurt people we care about and with whom we need continued contact. Why? Because the assumptions we make tend to be really harmful, such as the assumption that someone is lying, trying to hurt us on purpose, ignorant, or stupid.
- Jump to Conclusions — A high school football coach of mine once said that the most athletic thing that local sports reporters d0 is to jump to conclusions. Well, if that’s true, then I should be the Olympic representative for the USA in the category of jumping to conclusions! The way that it usually works for me (and for others too, I’m hoping) is that I make an assumption. Then I follow the logic of the assumption to the end and get angry about the resulting imaginary conclusion. Here’s an example: If someone is late to a meeting that we both agreed to attend, I often jump to the conclusion that they are intentionally being disrespectful. I don’t allow for the fact that I live in LA County, an area know for traffic problems. And even though I hurt relationships by jumping to conclusions, I certainly don’t like it when people do it to me!
- Fail to Apologize — Relationships that were once close but that are now broken for whatever reason, are like a cut powerline. No longer can the powerline serve its function of delivering electricity where it’s needed and now both of the ends that were once together are dangerous. Our relationships are not just about the specific people in them. They are also about all the people connected to the parties within the relationships. And when we are failing to apologize to one another we are depriving the rest of our relationships our best selves. Furthermore, when we fail to apologize our emotions are raw and we’re often a danger for other people in our lives too. It’s time we started apologizing when we’ve wronged someone, owning up to our part in the drama and taking responsibility to move forward in healthy ways.
- Fail to Forgive –Not only is apologizing important, but forgiving whomever hurt us is important too. Relationships in which one person is trying to make things right while the other is trying to stand on the moral high ground by withholding forgiveness are set up for lots and lots of trouble. In relationships that have lasted for a while, there is no moral high ground. Since everyone within relationships is a person, then everyone has made mistakes. No one is perfect, meaning that there’s no room to set on the high throne of judgment. That a position that is reserved for God alone. Our job within relationships is to accept apologies and offer forgiveness. Not only is withholding forgiveness bad for the relationship, it’s bad for us too! It can create bitterness and bitterness can ruin our lives little by little over time.
- Argue While Angry — All human relationships are going to including arguments. We’re all people and we all have opinions and those opinions do not always line up just so. And all relationships will also have to cope with anger from time to time. Anger is a typical human emotion. We don’t always seem to have control over when it comes or even why it comes. But anger in and of itself is not bad or inherently sinful. It’s what we do when we’re angry that matters. Here’s how the Bible puts it in Ephesians 4.26: “In your anger do not sin.” And I would probably add to this that arguing while angry is almost never a good idea. Trust me. You’ll say and do things that you will regret; things that can’t be forgotten or taken back. It would be better to attempt to calm down before having a discussion regarding a disagreement.
Now on this blog I tend to write about missional stuff. So how is any of this missional? Well, since seeking the mission of God in our world is best undertaken with others and not alone, then we’re going to have to figure out how to hurt one another less. And since the only real way to share Jesus with others is through relationships, we’re going to have to figure out paths toward healthy connections with other people.
Avoiding these five things is a good start.
What else should be on this list? Let me know in the comments below!